Will Sellari (cutoffhisarm) wrote,
Will Sellari

An open letter to my preteen erection

Dear Madonna,
Let's talk. I just watched the video for Ghosttown and I had some questions. What's the theme? Fake post apocalyptic? Is it post apocalyptic because it sounds like it's from six years ago? Vocoded like you were Britney Spears or whoever else might have sang this lackluster ballad in years gone by? Look, I'm not trying to be a dick, but I am to make a point...

Remember when you were aging gracefully? That simple beautiful moment in the mid-90s? You seemed to drip with elegance. And here's the thing, I'm not saying you have to be all old and sing the Sound of Music like that contemporary hack of yours. And I'm not saying you have to be too young and edgy either, remember you once made some hatian wax jesus your boyfriend in a music video, you've already made it to the top.

Here's some suggestions before you make the same mistakes again, and again, and again.

1. That vaugely famous dude who's in Empire but is also in your music video, actually have him shoot however is doing your art directing and feeding you creative advice. This Jack the Ripper Burning Man boarderlinging on Steampunk bullshit has got to go girl.

2. Next take a real musician and go into a cave, get someone who loves you for who you are and who doesn't give a shit about your label or record sales. I promise whe you emerge from that cave with a new sound that's the head of a gorgon, you'll have changed and you'll change the world around you. That new sound isn't going to be some dated Katy Perry nonsense, it's going to be some new shit that grew out of your good shit. Because if we can kill off all the weeds and nonsense that's been growing out of Madonna, we can get to some really good soil.

3. Be the queen of the 80s / early 90s again. I shouldn't even have to explain this part.

4. Get someone to put some real synth bass back into your shit. Holiday style. Pull some digital strings and some distorted snares and you're there. See how people like Washed Out (etc.) got rich off that sound.
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